No Charge by JJ Barrie

The chances are you probably haven’t heard ‘No Charge’.  It’s a narrative song that tells the story of a young boy who presents his mother with a list of good deeds that he’s done, each with a dollar value attached, the expectation is that his mother will pay him for the various chores, such as taking out the trash, looking after his little brother, selling methamphetamine and appearing on Jerry Springer claiming he wants to be a girl.  


The mother pulls a switcheroo on him by presenting her own bill listing the loving things she’s done for him, each with, “No Charge” written next to it.  You see, you really can’t put a price on love can you?  The boy, overcome with emotion, writes, “Paid in full”, thus inspiring Eric B and Rakim, and goes on to invent YouTube, which also carries, ‘No Charge’.

Of the things not charged for on the mother’s list one in particular must have been troubling to the young boy.  Mum kindly doesn’t charge for the “Nine months I carried you / Growin’ inside me” which is the kind of thing that would make me run around the house with hands over ears singing, “La la la, can’t hear you, I was delivered by a stork.”  


The frankly stunning rhyme, “For advice and the knowledge / And the cost of your college” however can’t make up for the fact that this is really a lecture as a song.  Either write a song or a lecture, don’t disguise one as another.

‘No Charge’ was originally recorded by Melba Montgomery and written by Harlan Howard.  

The reason I’ve highlighted the Barrie version is that, cloying and melodramatic as the original is, this version has some banshee-esque wailing in the second half, plus being sung by a man telling the story of what happened rather than in the first person loses even the slight possibility of the song resonating with any mothers out there.  He doesn’t even chip in with a list of his own, just stands there watching the whole scene unfold, probably drinking a beer and eating potato chips, no charge.

These days of course, there would have been some kind of answer song penned by some rebellious youths high on a cocktail of white cider and Lambert & Butler, probably called something like, ‘OMFG wats mam lyk on about the washing up when I wana go on MSN.’  In fact, an answer song would be a good idea; maybe someone like Eminem could do one, given the trouble his mother has apparently caused him.


Listen instead – ‘4:33’ by John Cage.