The Bad Meaning Bad Brits Verdict

So I hadn't watched the Brits, sorry the BRITs, for some years now, but seeing as I was down in that London I called in on my friend Larry Bello and sat down with some Jamaican Fighting Lager and Pizza GoGo to debate the merits of the various nominees and winners.  




British Male Solo


Nominees:

• Calvin Harris
• Dizzee Rascal
• Mika
• Paolo Nutini
• Robbie Williams

Winner:

• Dizzee Rascal

Jesus, off to a cracking start with justice served right from the off.  You die hard Dizzee fans might be bemoaning the fact that he's washed off the Grime of late, but he's had a fantastic year, and his videos still look cheap enough that you could've made a similar effort using your camera phone, so he's still one with the people and all.  Still, the competition wasn't that tough, it was much like the hardest lad in the school being challenged by the oddball, camp kid and the over-sensitive moper, and their Grandad.

International Male Solo

Nominees:

• Bruce Springsteen
• Eminem
• Jay-Z
• Michael Bublé
• Seasick Steve

Winner:

• Jay-Z

At this point I though I was on more drugs than the shortlisters for including Seasick Steve, justice served again with Jay-Z being miles ahead of the competition.  Michael Buble is just too slick for words, he virtually sells you an overpriced sports car everytime he appears on screen; those empty promises litter his songs.  He just hasn't met you yet ladies, it could be you that he meets.

British Female Solo

Nominees:

• Bat for Lashes
• Florence + the Machine
• Leona Lewis
• Lily Allen
• Pixie Lott

Winner:

• Lily Allen

Firstly, surely Florence should never have been nominated, as clearly she brings her titular "Machine" to the party, and while I don't think that constitutes the kind of machine that would facilitate the kind of  "solo" that some of you grubbier readers would be interested in, it surely rules her out of the solo category.  

Bat for Lashes was clearly the wild-card nomination, Pixie Lott not enough of a hit maker and Leona still not credible enough due to the Cowell factor despite having an incredible voice.  Someone seriously needs to give her some decent pop-era-defining songs sometime soon rather than the sub-Whitney stuff she's been handed since her career started in earnest.

On to the winner then.  I never allowed Damon Albarn a free pass on his mockney accent nonsense, and Lily doesn't deserve one either, but are we honestly to believe, despite the talent show taint that stalks Leona like a HMV happy slapper, that she is the best female solo artist these Isles have to offer?  Based on what?  A sarky "sideways look" at fame and a country and western pastiche about her latest squeeze not being arsed in the bedroom department?  That's not going to save Haiti like Leona did is it?

Who should've won?

• Leona Lewis

International Female Solo

Nominees:

• Lady Gaga
• Ladyhawke
• Norah Jones
• Rihanna
• Shakira

Winner:

• Lady Gaga

Spot on, again.  Shame on Geri Halliwell for bemoaning that Gaga didn't play a song she'd heard before in the same sentence as praising her for being one of the best pop stars around.  I'd like to hear Geri play a song of hers I'd recognise that wasn't "It's Raining Men", which isn't hers, rendering the feat even more challenging.

And Lady Gaga, don't answer those calls from Madonna, she only wants you to cop off with her on stage.

British Group

Nominees:

• Doves
• Friendly Fires
• JLS
• Kasabian
• Muse

Winners:

• Kasabian

Hmm, Kasabian.  I like them, I like some of their songs.  I like the fact that their singer fell over on the way to collect his award, because this is a tainted award, there was no competition here.  Doves are past it, Muse have just released their weakest album, JLS are shite, and Friendly Fires not matured enough to warrant the prize.  Kasabian are playing the Prince Charles role to Oasis; Elizabeth II (when she finally shuffles off).  Who else is there?  Ah well, give it to them.

British Breakthrough

Nominees:

• Florence + the Machine
• Friendly Fires
• JLS
• La Roux
• Pixie Lott

Winner:

• JLS

In which Radio 1 listeners confirmed that they are largely idiots, or children, or stupid children.  To say that JLS have broken through more than the other artists is ludicrous given the huge marketing push they received appearing on the shit factor.  Any one of the other artists on the list deserved this more, and none more than La Roux who despite having great singles and a solid album out last year left the party with nothing.

International Breakthrough

Nominees:

• Animal Collective
• Daniel Merriweather
• Empire of the Sun
• Lady Gaga
• Taylor Swift

Winner:

• Lady Gaga

Imma let you finish, but MTV viewers don't understand the concept of breakthrough either.

British Single

Nominees:

• Alesha Dixon"Breathe Slow"
• Alexandra Burke ft. Flo Rida"Bad Boys"
• Cheryl Cole"Fight for This Love"
• Joe McElderry"The Climb"
• JLS"Beat Again"
• La Roux"In for the Kill"
• Lily Allen"The Fear"
• Pixie Lott"Mama Do (Uh Oh, Uh Oh)"
• Taio Cruz"Break Your Heart"#
• Tinchy Stryder ft. N-Dubz"Number 1"

Winner:

• JLS - "Beat Again"

My word.  Surely it's obvious that La Roux should've won this?  The major problem I have with X-Factor singles is the insipid production they sport, and I count M-Bison's "Fight for this Love" in on this score.  La Roux showed all of them how minimalism should be done, and yet the explosion in a Casio factory that is "Beat Again", a song that Five Star would've turned down, gets the award.  Unbelievable.

International Album

Nominees:

• Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
• Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D.
• Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
• Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3
• Lady Gaga - The Fame

Winner:

• Lady Gaga - "The Fame"

It was between Jay-Z and Gaga, and the win justified for Gaga I think, even if her speeches were pushing the doe eyed envelope some by this point.

Mastercard British Album

Nominees:

• Dizzee Rascal - Tongue N' Cheek
• Florence + the Machine - Lungs
• Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
• Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You
• Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up

Winner:

• Florence + the Machine - "Lungs"

Hmm, methinks "You Got the Love" is going to be your "Spirit in the Sky" Florence.  Just saying.

BRITs Hits 30 (Best Performance)

Should've been The KLF, but there were still laughs to be had in Geri and Mel B forgetting to thank the rest of the Spice Girls and referring to the group as "Brand Spice".  If you tolerate this....

BRITs Album of 30 Years

Nominees:

• Mostly unspeakable nonsense

Winner:

• Oasis - "(What's the Story) Morning Glory?"

It's good, and I was a huge fan at the time, but best album of the last 30 years?  Seriously?  No Radiohead in the nominations (and yes I understand it had to win best album previously).  This contest was rendered null and void by the ridiculous entry criteria.  And Liam?  Officially over for me after being ordered home by his wife.  That's not rock and/or roll.

The Host

The real surprise package for me was Peter Kay in a career-resurrecting performance so dead pan I thought he was brain damaged at several points.  After a shaky start he shifted into top gear by describing Liam as a knob head, before introducing "Jason Zed" and setting up Noddy Holder as the writer of the next James Bond tune.

Oh, and Sam Fox messed it up again, I think some of it was a deliberate in-joke, but in either case it wasn't funny.  Foxy!