Bad Meaning Bad - Songs to Avoid

The Bad Meaning Bad Brits Verdict

2010-02-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

So I hadn't watched the Brits, sorry the BRITs, for some years now, but seeing as I was down in that London I called in on my friend Larry Bello and sat down with some Jamaican Fighting Lager and Pizza GoGo to debate the merits of the various nominees and winners.

British Male Solo

Nominees:

Calvin Harris
Dizzee Rascal
Mika
Paolo Nutini
Robbie Williams

Winner:

Dizzee Rascal

Jesus, off to a cracking start with justice served right from the off. You die hard Dizzee fans might be bemoaning the fact that he's washed off the Grime of late, but he's had a fantastic year, and his videos still look cheap enough that you could've made a similar effort using your camera phone, so he's still one with the people and all. Still, the competition wasn't that tough, it was much like the hardest lad in the school being challenged by the oddball, camp kid and the over-sensitive moper, and their Grandad.

International Male Solo

Nominees:

Bruce Springsteen
Eminem
Jay-Z
Michael Bublé
Seasick Steve

Winner:

Jay-Z

At this point I though I was on more drugs than the shortlisters for including Seasick Steve, justice served again with Jay-Z being miles ahead of the competition. Michael Buble is just too slick for words, he virtually sells you an overpriced sports car everytime he appears on screen; those empty promises litter his songs. He just hasn't met you yet ladies, it could be you that he meets.

British Female Solo

Nominees:

Bat for Lashes
Florence + the Machine
Leona Lewis
Lily Allen
Pixie Lott

Winner:

Lily Allen

Firstly, surely Florence should never have been nominated, as clearly she brings her titular "Machine" to the party, and while I don't think that constitutes the kind of machine that would facilitate the kind of "solo" that some of you grubbier readers would be interested in, it surely rules her out of the solo category.

Bat for Lashes was clearly the wild-card nomination, Pixie Lott not enough of a hit maker and Leona still not credible enough due to the Cowell factor despite having an incredible voice. Someone seriously needs to give her some decent pop-era-defining songs sometime soon rather than the sub-Whitney stuff she's been handed since her career started in earnest.

On to the winner then. I never allowed Damon Albarn a free pass on his mockney accent nonsense, and Lily doesn't deserve one either, but are we honestly to believe, despite the talent show taint that stalks Leona like a HMV happy slapper, that she is the best female solo artist these Isles have to offer? Based on what? A sarky "sideways look" at fame and a country and western pastiche about her latest squeeze not being arsed in the bedroom department? That's not going to save Haiti like Leona did is it?

Who should've won?

Leona Lewis

International Female Solo

Nominees:

Lady Gaga
Ladyhawke
Norah Jones
Rihanna
Shakira

Winner:

Lady Gaga

Spot on, again. Shame on Geri Halliwell for bemoaning that Gaga didn't play a song she'd heard before in the same sentence as praising her for being one of the best pop stars around. I'd like to hear Geri play a song of hers I'd recognise that wasn't "It's Raining Men", which isn't hers, rendering the feat even more challenging.

And Lady Gaga, don't answer those calls from Madonna, she only wants you to cop off with her on stage.

British Group

Nominees:

Doves
Friendly Fires
JLS
Kasabian
Muse

Winners:

Kasabian

Hmm, Kasabian. I like them, I like some of their songs. I like the fact that their singer fell over on the way to collect his award, because this is a tainted award, there was no competition here. Doves are past it, Muse have just released their weakest album, JLS are shite, and Friendly Fires not matured enough to warrant the prize. Kasabian are playing the Prince Charles role to Oasis; Elizabeth II (when she finally shuffles off). Who else is there? Ah well, give it to them.

British Breakthrough

Nominees:

Florence + the Machine
Friendly Fires
JLS
La Roux
Pixie Lott

Winner:

In which Radio 1 listeners confirmed that they are largely idiots, or children, or stupid children. To say that JLS have broken through more than the other artists is ludicrous given the huge marketing push they received appearing on the shit factor. Any one of the other artists on the list deserved this more, and none more than La Roux who despite having great singles and a solid album out last year left the party with nothing.

International Breakthrough

Nominees:

Animal Collective
Daniel Merriweather
Empire of the Sun
Lady Gaga
Taylor Swift

Winner:

Lady Gaga

Imma let you finish, but MTV viewers don't understand the concept of breakthrough either.

British Single

Nominees:

Alesha Dixon"Breathe Slow"
Alexandra Burke ft. Flo Rida"Bad Boys"
Cheryl Cole"Fight for This Love"
Joe McElderry"The Climb"
JLS"Beat Again"
La Roux"In for the Kill"
Lily Allen"The Fear"
Pixie Lott"Mama Do (Uh Oh, Uh Oh)"
Taio Cruz"Break Your Heart"#
Tinchy Stryder ft. N-Dubz"Number 1"

Winner:

JLS - "Beat Again"

My word. Surely it's obvious that La Roux should've won this? The major problem I have with X-Factor singles is the insipid production they sport, and I count M-Bison's "Fight for this Love" in on this score. La Roux showed all of them how minimalism should be done, and yet the explosion in a Casio factory that is "Beat Again", a song that Five Star would've turned down, gets the award. Unbelievable.

International Album

Nominees:

Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion
Black Eyed Peas - The E.N.D.
Empire of the Sun - Walking on a Dream
Jay-Z - The Blueprint 3
Lady Gaga - The Fame

Winner:

Lady Gaga - "The Fame"

It was between Jay-Z and Gaga, and the win justified for Gaga I think, even if her speeches were pushing the doe eyed envelope some by this point.

Mastercard British Album

Nominees:

Dizzee Rascal - Tongue N' Cheek
Florence + the Machine - Lungs
Kasabian - West Ryder Pauper Lunatic Asylum
Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You
Paolo Nutini - Sunny Side Up

Winner:

Florence + the Machine - "Lungs"

Hmm, methinks "You Got the Love" is going to be your "Spirit in the Sky" Florence. Just saying.

BRITs Hits 30 (Best Performance)

Should've been The KLF, but there were still laughs to be had in Geri and Mel B forgetting to thank the rest of the Spice Girls and referring to the group as "Brand Spice". If you tolerate this....

BRITs Album of 30 Years

Nominees:

Mostly unspeakable nonsense

Winner:

Oasis - "(What's the Story) Morning Glory?"

It's good, and I was a huge fan at the time, but best album of the last 30 years? Seriously? No Radiohead in the nominations (and yes I understand it had to win best album previously). This contest was rendered null and void by the ridiculous entry criteria. And Liam? Officially over for me after being ordered home by his wife. That's not rock and/or roll.

The Host

The real surprise package for me was Peter Kay in a career-resurrecting performance so dead pan I thought he was brain damaged at several points. After a shaky start he shifted into top gear by describing Liam as a knob head, before introducing "Jason Zed" and setting up Noddy Holder as the writer of the next James Bond tune.

Oh, and Sam Fox messed it up again, I think some of it was a deliberate in-joke, but in either case it wasn't funny. Foxy!

Everybody Hurts by Simon Cowell's Bandwagon Mounting Allstars

2010-01-28T13:53:00.000-08:00

There is no need for Simon Cowell to arrange, by Prime Ministeral appointment or otherwise, a charity single to contribute to the Haiti relief fund. No need at all. He could have released a song for free and asked X Factor fans to contribute a pound or so to the fund. He could have stuck in a million notes of his own money a la George Clooney or Leonardo DiCaprio.

Instead, Mr. Cowell has taken it upon himself to flog the dead horse that is the charidee single, and the whole idea is rotten to the core. He should be ashamed of himself.

The song in question is REM's 'Everybody Hurts'. The track, rightly or wrongly known as a bit of a whinge about people feeling like killing themselves, is possibly the most inappropriate song Cowell could have chosen within reason. After all, "Boom! Shake the Room" would have been downright callous. I cancelled my plans for a cover of "I Feel the Earth Move" as soon as I heard.

The overall message appears to be along the lines of, "Cheer up Haiti! Everyone has a downer now and again. After all, Leon Jackson didn't work out for me, which felt like my entire world collapsing, even if it literally wasn't, unlike yours. By the way, here's some money I raised whilst simultaneously raising the profile of some artists who line my pockets. I am a fucking chart wizard, just like in Excel."

Simon, just put your hand in your pocket like everyone else and stop acting like some pop music Jesus.

Donate to the Haiti relief fund, whatever the song, by following this link.

Bad Meaning Bad will resume normal transmission next week.

Think Twice by Celine Dion

2009-12-09T12:52:00.000-08:00

By all accounts Celine Dion is quite a nice, funny person. A video posted on YouTube and embedded below featuring some of her funnier and more engaging moments in 2009 gained a lot of hits and portrayed her in a much better light than the majority of her music has done.

Dion has worked with many legendary artists, artists that she herself admired and must have been thrilled to have worked with. It’s strange then, that she has singularly failed to emulate any of them, and in the mid 1990s, produced this horror show of over-sentimentality.

Giving little indication of what is to follow, the song doesn’t actually start that horrifically, with a bit of sub-Chris Rea guitar wafting around in the breeze like a forgotten sock on the line. The music itself really isn’t the problem, neither the instrumentation or the melody are much of an annoyance, the main issues lie with the lyrics, which stem from the Honey I Shrunk the Kids school of writing, think of the title first and the rest later.

The chorus in turn asks us to not say something, look back, be sure of closing a door and then roll some dice; it’s like a mutated version of ‘Agadoo.’ The net result would probably result in said person diving backwards through a window doing the backstroke, but only after successfully rolling a double six.

Even stranger, the whole thing seems like a delaying tactic, there’s no real indication that Celine doesn’t want us to leave, just not until a series of random tasks have been performed. Maybe we were about to leave the week before the latest mortgage payment, or she had a dinner party planned and didn’t want to cancel it, maybe a night out with the girls and needed someone to dog-sit? Whatever the situation, it’s just impossible to keep Celine happy in this tune.

Problems also abound with Dion’s vocal performance, yes she’s bombastic as always, and up and down the octaves like a theremin welded to a vibrator, but for me it’s the serpentine ‘ssss’ sound attached to the end of each line of the bridge, as if there weren’t quite enough syllables in the lyrics, then on the final stressing of the seriousness of the situation her best friends turn up in the form of additional ‘this is seriousssss’, that’s right, a horde of angry female snakes.

Add to that the fact that the song was at number one for seven weeks and this all added up to quite an ordeal, especially if you are frightened of snakes.

Listen instead: To Crazy Celine!

Rockstar by Nickelback

2009-12-02T13:05:00.000-08:00

Numbers are quite a useful tool for the budding songwriter, especially when it doesn't really matter what the number needs to be in a particular line, because then you can pick any one you want that has the right number of syllables to make the line scan.

'Rockstar' goes back to this particular well on more than one occasion, defining the recipe for super-stardom precisely as being in the bottom of the ninth, in a hot tub of sufficient size for "ten plus me" (that would be eleven you idiot), while joining the mile high club at thirty seven thousand feet. This particular mile high session needs to be protected by eight body guards, although not so much as to prevent a couple of autographs being signed while driving fifteen cars.

What's that? Only fourteen cars? You're not a rock star, you're a fucking loser.

Not content with this New Labour style excess targets that must be met, Nickelback go further down shit alley and deploy one of the most base of song writing tricks, namely the post verse 'answer'. After each verse a James Earl Jones wannabe pipes up with a vague response to what has gone before; it's a bit like Flavor Flav, but shit. So shit, in fact, that some sofa store used them as a prompt on the advert this track was used in. Nothing can be less rock and/or roll than hearing, "So what ya want? / I want three years 0% finance!"

Not 1% you pathetic wankers, ZERO PERCENT.

Listen instead: To the sound of people throwing rocks at Nickelback.

Pump It by the Black Eye Peas

2009-11-25T14:37:00.000-08:00

‘Misirlou’ is a fantastic, raucous and unfettered piece of music; it was thus before it featured in Pulp Fiction and will remain so for all of time.

‘Pump It’ takes ‘Misirlou’, locks it in a cage and forces it to do a funny dance for food and water. ‘Misirlou’, after years of this torture, develops Stockholm Syndrome and wants to please its tormentor by doing its best dance, but ‘Pump It’ won’t let it, it only wants a mediocre dance. That’s right; ‘Pump It’ is a nasty piece of work. It creeps up at you in disguise, with only a slightly slower tempo giving it away as an imposter in the early stages.

You’d think that, given such incredible source material to sample from, this would be a fantastic song, but its crimes are many. Firstly, it hammers the original’s loose, human interpretation of timing down into 4/4 rigidity. I’m no hater of technology, but when people play together in a band, sometimes they go a tiny bit faster, sometimes slower, it’s natural, and in the case of ‘Misirlou’ it’s part of the dynamic, it’s exciting. By nailing this down ‘Pump It’ sacrifices some of its humanity.

Secondly, the artist has failed to realise that the shouts in the background at the start of ‘Misirlou’ are just one of its charms, they work because they’re not repeated and rammed down your throat; so the Peas do just that, exaggerating and dragging them to the forefront of the mix, shattering the mystique they had in the original.

The Peas go on to commit one of my most hated of all crimes, referring to musical technology in a song. To get away with this, you have to be someone like Chuck D, or Jay-Z, or Jimi Hendrix. You have to be that good, and the Peas, sadly, aren’t. For starters, only those in possession of radios and/or stereos are invited to “crank” them “loud”, which is discriminatory. Secondly, although it is an often used word, how exactly does one “crank” something? The device would need to be of monolithic proportions before any kind of third-party tool would be required in order to adjust the volume, making the request rather futile.

Lastly, what are we being invited to pump?

Listen instead: 'Request Line'

Black Eyed Peas - Pump It

Sex on Fire by Kings of Leon

2009-11-18T13:28:00.000-08:00

‘Sex on Fire’ is not an angst-ridden paean to a former lover written by a girl who used to go out with the Human Torch. Nor is it the title track to the latest Spinal Tap opus, which would no doubt be dubbed ‘Shit on Fire’ in a capsule review. Unbelievably, ‘Sex on Fire’ is by the formerly handlebar-mustachioed Kings of Leon, a band formerly little-known for their down at home shamble-rock in tracks like ‘Red Morning Light’ and ‘Mollie’s Chambers’

Wikipedia, at the time of writing, tells us that the chorus formerly used the line, “You set us on fire” before a sound mixer misheard the lyric and commented, “Sex on fire, huh?” That, it seems, was enough for them to change the words. Personally, I’m not convinced, because “Sex on Fire” is the sound of a serial kidnapper, rapist and murderer narrating his misdeeds for all to hear.

At least Nick Cave called his LP, “Murder Ballads” all those years ago. The Kings’ album, “Only By the Night” reads more like a modus operandi once you’ve delved deeper into the lyrical content. In any case, isn’t it a little passive-aggressive to change your lyrics to something so plainly ridiculous because of a simple, “Huh?” I wonder what, “Dude!” or “OMG!” would’ve produced from the Kings; maybe “Sex on tyres” or “Sex with choirs” – the latter of which would probably have ended up being the subject of a Channel 4 investigative documentary, and the former a Black Lace cover version (see my post on Superman for more details).

Anyway, the lyrics:

“Lay where you’re layin / Don’t make a sound / I know they’re watching / The dark of the alley / Feels like you’re dying”

Not much to analyse there really. Guy kidnaps women in dark alley, shares his paranoid delusions and commits at least two heinous crimes. Nasty song indeed. What’s not clear, though, even to the Kings themselves, judging from the creative process that led them to the lyric by way of a grunt, is why exactly anyone’s aforementioned ‘sex’ is on fire.

Perhaps this it’s a taunt from the captor to the victim, as in “Hahaaaaa! (Now) Your sex is on fire (as well)!” If that’s so, someone should really tell him that penicillin is widely available these days, and there’s really no need for all those killings.

Listen instead: "Red Morning Light" - back when the handlebar moustache was cool.

Fight for this Love by Cheryl Cole

2009-11-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

I’ll get onto the M. Bison stuff later. When I first heard this song, I had to use Shazam to find out who it was, which is part of the problem with Cheryl as a solo artist; I have absolutely no idea what she sounds like. Mind you, modern production methods have also homogenized the voice of former-great Whitney Houston, but it was more than a little disappointing to find that when you removc the other four fifths of Girls Aloud you’re basically left with…one fifth of Girls Aloud, and a song with about one fifth of the average quality of that group’s hits.

Musically, ‘Fight for this Love’ is cleverly crafted, with that descending tinkle of a hook over the verses that you swear you’ve heard before somewhere else, and you most likely have. It’s actually so insipid a track that at first I was sure it was going to fade into obscurity, but you’ve got to have the will to fight the bizarro bullshit banter that emerges from a certain Mr. C’s vocal orifice in order to see through to the truth, and like Bill Hicks, say “Piece of shit, walk away.” Cowell described the performance of this on a certain TV show that he owns as ‘phenomenal’, which is what Satan told him to say in their post-coitus pillowtalk the Wednesday before, shortly before kicking him out as Noel Edmonds was on his way over.

I digress, let’s pick through the lyrics. ‘Fight for this Love’ is a victim of the school of i-it-rhymes-stick-it-in-there writing. We’re onto a road/travel metaphor by line three, followed by the question, “Are we sitting in reverse? / It’s just like going backwards’ It’s like getting a driving lesson from a blind man, “Driving fast but let’s go slow / What I don’t want to do is crash, no” Who does? All of this is also apparently taking place in the deep south of the USA, as apparently this whole fight “Ain’ gon’ be no picnic” No Siree Bob.

From there, the song morphs into the transcript from an ill-prepared job interview, unless of course, that job interview was for a place in the UFC octagon:

“So, Mr. Bison, what do you feel are the essential qualities you’d bring to the UFC”

“Fight, fight, fight, fight, fight…”

“Would you under any circumstances consider yourself a quitter?”

“Quittings out of the question / When it gets tough gotta fight some more”

“You’re hired!”

And that takes us to M. Bison. For those of you not aware, the video, and something-factor performance of this track incorporated some costumes and choreography that contained more than a little homage to a popular Street Fighter character known as M. Bison. More than one of my acquaintances described Cheryl as something of a 'Sexy M.Bison' which in some circles, probably not theirs, would be a very good thing indeed, search the web if you don't believe me.

I’m sure that the whole military costume thing was meant as an edgy take on the lyrics, but seeing as we’ve established that the lyrics are incomprehensible nonsense, this leaves the image of the song looking either badly timed, especially given recent events overseas, or some kind of subliminal recruitment drive for a video game character’s shadowy world-domination organization. You be the judge.

Listen instead: Girls Aloud are pretty good you know, they get all the best songs, I’d go for ‘Call the Shots’

Cheryl Cole Fight For This Love from wowwowme on Vimeo.

girls aloud brighton 14th may 2008 - call the shots from mo mo on Vimeo.

No Charge by JJ Barrie

2009-11-04T14:48:00.000-08:00

The chances are you probably haven’t heard ‘No Charge’. It’s a narrative song that tells the story of a young boy who presents his mother with a list of good deeds that he’s done, each with a dollar value attached, the expectation is that his mother will pay him for the various chores, such as taking out the trash, looking after his little brother, selling methamphetamine and appearing on Jerry Springer claiming he wants to be a girl.

The mother pulls a switcheroo on him by presenting her own bill listing the loving things she’s done for him, each with, “No Charge” written next to it. You see, you really can’t put a price on love can you? The boy, overcome with emotion, writes, “Paid in full”, thus inspiring Eric B and Rakim, and goes on to invent YouTube, which also carries, ‘No Charge’.

Of the things not charged for on the mother’s list one in particular must have been troubling to the young boy. Mum kindly doesn’t charge for the “Nine months I carried you / Growin’ inside me” which is the kind of thing that would make me run around the house with hands over ears singing, “La la la, can’t hear you, I was delivered by a stork.”

The frankly stunning rhyme, “For advice and the knowledge / And the cost of your college” however can’t make up for the fact that this is really a lecture as a song. Either write a song or a lecture, don’t disguise one as another.

‘No Charge’ was originally recorded by Melba Montgomery and written by Harlan Howard.

The reason I’ve highlighted the Barrie version is that, cloying and melodramatic as the original is, this version has some banshee-esque wailing in the second half, plus being sung by a man telling the story of what happened rather than in the first person loses even the slight possibility of the song resonating with any mothers out there. He doesn’t even chip in with a list of his own, just stands there watching the whole scene unfold, probably drinking a beer and eating potato chips, no charge.

These days of course, there would have been some kind of answer song penned by some rebellious youths high on a cocktail of white cider and Lambert & Butler, probably called something like, ‘OMFG wats mam lyk on about the washing up when I wana go on MSN.’ In fact, an answer song would be a good idea; maybe someone like Eminem could do one, given the trouble his mother has apparently caused him.

Listen instead – ‘4:33’ by John Cage.

No Limit by 2 Unlimited

2009-10-27T10:56:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, ‘No Limit’. “Techno, techno, techno, techno” right? Using the word, “No” seventy two times? Well, forgive me, no actually. That was the version the UK got. For some reason UK listeners were denied the full horror of what was really going on inside that giant pinball machine. We still got Anita’s verses though, which are problematic on their own. The goal seems to be to reach for the sky, with no valley being too deep, and no mountain too high. Surely a really deep valley would be a problem, whereas a really high mountain would surely be a boon for those reaching for the heavens?

When you think 2 Unlimited, you think of a band who released the same song over and over hoping that no one would notice, and no one did. The problem I have with them is that they did this and scored eleven straight Top 20 hits, with eight of those getting in the Top 10. Now that the passing of time has softened your heart a little, you may be tempted to look back fondly on these two knockabout chancers from Holland and see them as some kind of 90s treasures. Not so.

Aside from the music, which is directly responsible for every Vauxhall Nova with a giant exhaust that blasts out rave choons with MC Neon Underlights and DJ Pets at Home Car Park having a back to back P A R T Y, presumably because they want to, there is also the matter of the rapping. Yes, you’d be forgiven for not knowing that Ray was a rapper, because you only got to hear one word of his, presumably dope, lyrics. Spitting Image famously parodied the song as, ‘No Lyrics’, but there were, and like a worried parent leading their child away from the strange man in the street who smells funny, UK TV and radio didn’t let you hear them.

The truth can be revealed now though, chiefly that Ray is a superb quiz master, because when he’s feeling the “floor” you “answer more”. Not only that, his sense of balance is superb, “I’m on the edge / I know the ledge”. Good to know Ray. He also exhibits the kind of paranoia that seems to afflict rappers more than most other performers, in that “they” have accused him of “selling out”. I’m not convinced that 2 Unlimited were ever in a position to buy in, but still, Ray is making “techno and I’m proud”. What he shouldn’t be proud of though, is presenting us with one of the first examples of rapping the beginning of one word until you think of something to follow it, as in Ray’s seminal, “Tick tick ticka tick take your time”, variations of which are also blasting out of under-powered cars with huge exhausts right this minute.

Listen instead – I tend to lay off songs, even if they are awful, if they are also so over the top that there’s no saving them, so I’d go for ‘The Workaholic’ which is the sound of someone washing a car with an asthmatic dog for a sponge.

I Just Called to Say I Love You by Stevie Wonder

2009-10-21T13:32:00.000-07:00

Maintaining a marriage does not make a song, and it’s even more disappointing to hear something like this from an artist of the stature of Stevie Wonder, personally I have to run off and listen to ‘I Was Made to Love Her’ if ever have the misfortune to come across it to remind myself of how right Wonder could get things most of the time.

‘I Just Called to Say I Love You’ was actually way ahead of its time, obsessing as it does over a minutely small subject and expanding it into a public display of relationship maintenance. Little did he know that Facebook would two decades later and make over-sentimentality a public exercise for millions of people through their status updates and sending of virtual gifts to each other on days equally as ordinary as one being depicted here.

Lyrically, the song meanders around various days that would require celebrations in order to establish that this is indeed an ordinary day, no he hasn’t done anything wrong, this phone call isn’t being made from some hooker’s apartment, no he hasn’t slept with the housekeeper, there really isn’t any other reason for this phone call other than to say he loves her. It’s like a multiple choice quiz as a song. I don’t know many women that wouldn’t be suspicious upon receiving this call, especially these days. A text? No problem. Facebook wall post or message? Fine. MSN? Great! An actual phone call and conversation? Hang on a minute…

Musically, this really is a low for Stevie. This is the man, after all, that wrote and performed Superstition, with its irrepressible clavinet and fantastic drumming, both by Wonder himself. What possessed him to choose the execrable assortment of synth sounds on offer in this track is quite the mystery. Even Mr. Vocoder pays a visit near the end, which is fitting as it sounds a little like HAL from 2001. If HAL had had access to iTunes, I’m sure this is the kind of thing he would have played to Dave to torture him into not ripping out his memory banks.

The bassline teases us mercilessly by sounding a little like that of ‘Dock of the Bay’, while sub-Hot Butter plinks and plonks dance merrily around the track like an infestation of fleas. To cap it all, after a key change that feels like a twist of the knife, Stevie throws in a cha-cha-cha talent show ending. Truly the stuff of nightmares.

Listen instead: To all of ‘Songs in the Key of Life’ just to make yourself feel clean again.

Earth Song by Michael Jackson

2009-10-13T12:29:00.000-07:00

‘Earth Song’ defines the term trying too hard. I don’t doubt that Michael Jackson cared about some of the issues presented in ‘Earth Song’, but I sincerely believe that the Earth would have been better off without what amounts to a poem that reads like it was written by a 12 year old going through a vegetarian phase and really like, caring about stuff you know?

Retrospectively the song feels like an allegory for the artist’s life, now that he’s passed away. ‘Earth Song’ finds Jackson worried about lots of things, but effectively powerless to do anything about them. The track represents, for me, the nadir of the global protest song; one of a long line of songs that includes, ‘We are the World’, ‘Where is the Love?’ and ‘Too Drunk to Fuck’ by the Dead Kennedys. All vaguely about the problems of the World, and telling us that we should really do something about them. Writing a song like this is a bit like writing a Christmas song, it’s an investment that can pay off repeatedly. Oh, it’s Christmas again? Time for some Slade or Wizzard. Oh, there’s a war on and our house has fallen off the cliff eroded by decades of global warming? Time for ‘Earth Song’.

Jackson misses a vital ingredient of this kind of song in that he gets too specific in his complaints. You’d be forgiven for being with him, such is his genuine conviction throughout the performance, but even the most committed Earth-loving listener surely must be puzzled by the lines, “What about Elephants / Have we lost their trust?” I wasn’t aware of any particular bond of trust between humans and elephants that we were putting at risk back in 1995.

Maybe the trust he was talking about was the trust built up between executioners and elephants in Southeast Asia in the 17th Century, when elephants were trained to crush condemned people to death in public executions? No, probably not that. I don’t think there was a lot of trust to throw away, elephants you see, never forget.

Jarvis Cocker famously interrupted a performance of ‘Earth Song’ at the Brit Awards in 1996. When quizzed about the reason for it, Cocker noted that, "My actions were a form of protest at the way Michael Jackson sees himself as some kind of Christ-like figure with the power of healing […]” At the time, Noel Gallagher called for Cocker to receive an MBE. I’m not sure whether he’d accept it, but that MBE is well overdue.

Listen instead: ‘Beat It’, ‘Thriller’, ‘Billie Jean’, there are so many; despite the public sadness at Jackson’s death in 2009, he hadn’t really delivered a decent song in 20 years, but enjoy the classics.

Camouflage by Stan Ridgway

2009-10-06T14:56:00.000-07:00

This is a painful entry to write. The thing is, I love ‘Camouflage’, I really do. This is mainly because it’s one of those songs that remind me of a particularly happy time in my childhood. The year was 1986, which would make me 8 years old, not really a care in the world, and ‘Camouflage’ was a top ten hit and on the radio all the time.

Actually that’s a flimsy excuse for liking it; maybe I’m just a sucker for a ghost story.

In essence though, ‘Camouflage’ ticks none of the boxes for a hit song bar a reasonably catchy chorus which rhymes, “seem” with, “Marine” and mainly consists of “Whoa”s, so is at least partly responsible for the formation of the Kaiser Chiefs some years later. It tells the story, from the first person perspective of a Private First Class during the Vietnam conflict, which is misleading as Stan never served in Vietnam as far as I’m aware, of the titular marine Camouflage, who we later learn that as well as being, “awfully big”, which is funnier if you imagine Kenneth Williams saying it, is also dead.

The song details Camouflage’s epic struggle to save the main character of the song, and overcoming his handicap of being dead in order to, among other things, swat not only bullets out of the air as if they were flies, but also, “charlies”. Yes, I think you’re beginning to see some of the issues with this track.

Like a badly planned superhero comic though, ‘Camouflage’ isn’t consistent with its hero’s powers. The big marine at various turns has bullets going through him as if he wasn’t there, and yet is corporeal enough to swat bullets out of the air and snap twigs as he walks around. It takes the narrator half of the song to realise this, only noticing something “weird” by the time Camo is pulling entire palm trees out of the ground.

At least in The Sixth Sense the whole ghost thing makes sense when you watch it back again, that’s why its clever. ‘Camouflage’ on the other hand is like the stories you write in Primary School where “everybody dies” at the end, or you end the story with the opening sentence in an attempt to make it spooky.

Stan does take time out for an educational moment though, pointing out that the next time we’re in a jungle fight, good old ‘flage will be right there with us, palm tree in hand.

Semper fi.

Listen instead – Stan did quite a lot of soundtrack stuff, one of the films I’d recommend that contains his music is Rumble Fish.

Money for Nothing by Dire Straits

2009-09-29T12:59:00.000-07:00

‘Money for Nothing’ is supposedly written from the point of view of a person working in a shop that sells refrigerators, ovens and so on watching MTV, and commenting on what he sees on the screen. Aside from that being one of the dullest premises for a song ever, it apparently also gave Mark Knopfler artistic license to include words like, “faggot” and lyrical gems such as, “banging on the bongos like a chimpanzee.” It’s OK, because he’s in character you see, it’s not him saying it, it’s the character.

The riff itself is actually not that bad, it’s catchy and there’s no doubting Knopfler’s ability on the guitar. The problem is the amount of what can loosely be termed song that you have to wade through to get to the riff, there’s easily a couple of minutes of synth-based arsing around and what sounds like the theme tune from the Fry’s Turkish Delight advert (kids ask your parents, in fact anyone over 25, ask your parents) before some random drumming happens and only then, having sat and waited for a length of time in which Husker Dü could have played the entirety of ‘Land Speed Record’, does the track deign to allow you to experience the majesty of the riff.

I like to imagine the scattershot drums that precede the riff to be gunshots from a machine gun that is aimed squarely at Sting, who is running around avoiding the shots while proclaiming his need for MTV.

Speaking of Sting, he only sings four words in the whole song, and in such a way that suggests he’s making an insightful cultural point about modern TV culture. He isn’t; why is he there? He didn’t even bother to write a new melody, opting instead to borrow the one from ‘Don’t Stand So Close to Me’. If anyone’s getting money for nothing, it’s Sting.

And then there’s the video. Groundbreaking computer graphics at the time, we’re told. The time of course was 1985, the same year Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins came out in the arcades.

Ghosts ‘n’ Goblins, although not a song or music video is better than ‘Money for Nothing’.

Listen Instead: 'Romeo and Juliet' despite nicking a line from another song again, is OK I suppose....

Dire Straits - Money For Nothing(video)
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Dire Straits - Romeo and Juliet
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Superman by Black Lace

2009-09-21T11:42:00.000-07:00

I really should steer clear of any songs that were clearly not intended to be what we might describe as good in any way. I’m not even sure that Black Lace like ‘Superman’, which makes this entry a little like kicking a lame dog, but hey, maybe that dog just shat on someone's carpet.

‘Superman’ is essentially a third of a song stretched out to fill the space required for a whole song. It’s a value pizza, or a value packet of crisps. It appears to do the job, and is cheaper, but ultimately unfulfilling. It is also ironically well received by 1980s faux-enthusiasts who like to think that it’s so bad it’s good, and you know how I feel about that phrase. Either show genuine love for the 1980s, or don’t bother it at all, let the 80s sleep unless you really want to get it on with them.

‘Superman’ is also not endorsed by DC Comics, this essentially makes it fan fiction, and bad fan fiction at that. In ‘Superman’, Superman appears to be on holiday, there are no villains, and nothing of note happens.

Or does it?

You see, I have a theory which goes something like this; one or two red herrings aside, ‘Superman’ is a work of fan fiction in which Superman dreams about going dogging.

Let’s look at the evidence.

In ‘Superman’, Superman does the following things: claps his hands, sleeps, waves his hands, hitches a ride, sneezes, goes for a walk, swims, skis, sprays some deodorant, poses in a macho man fashion, sounds his car horn, rings a bell, says OK, kisses, combs his hair, waves his hands, then shouts, “Superman!”

The red herrings are clearly the swimming and skiing, so taking those out, the story goes something like this: Superman claps his hands looking forward to a nap and goes to sleep. In the dream he waves his hands to hitch a ride with a beautiful stranger, he sneezes, which is a secret Superman sign that says, “Want to go dogging?”

They park up and go for a walk to scout out the area, he freshens up, and poses for her, they sound the horn to invite other doggers, he rings her bell a la Anita Ward, combs his hair in the wing mirror, waves at the other doggers, and shouts, “Superman!”

Listen instead: ‘Gang Bang’, you see, Black Lace’s obsession with dubious sexual practices clearly knew no bounds, but this one’s OK because there’s a chance you might be watching 'Rita, Sue and Bob too.'

Categories Explained: Trying Too Hard

2009-09-16T11:21:00.000-07:00

This mistake often goes hand in hand with mawkishness and over-sentimentality, but it can also manifest itself in a sudden change of musical direction for an artist, or a misguided protest song or charity single for a very worthy and earnest cause. Trying to jump on the latest bandwagon can also result in Trying Too Hard, and sometimes it’s difficult to spot. Time that jump right, and the result can be a wonderful synergy of styles, get it wrong and you lying with two broken legs on the musical motorway in rush hour.

Spaceman by Babylon Zoo

2009-09-15T14:11:00.000-07:00

I remember the first time I heard this song in its entirety. My reaction, having seen the Levi’s advert, was along the lines of, “Excellent, it’s that Spaceman song, you know, the one from the Levi’s advert?” then a short pause, then much furrowing of brow and gnashing of teeth followed as the track plumbed depths of leaden sub-Depeche Mode gloom-rock. Most people I know say the same thing about ‘Spaceman’, namely that it would be better if the rest of the song was like the intro, but you see the intro was not always the intro, oh no.

The intro that became the famous, and good, bit of the song was actually part of a remix done by Arthur Baker, a producer famed for his hip hop work with Afrika Bambaata, producing dance remixes of popular hits in the 1980s, as well as having worked with New Order for many years.

The original version of ‘Spaceman’ didn’t have that speeded up bit, because it didn’t exist until Baker’s remix was done.

The upshot of this is that the record company must have known the song was a dud, so they tacked on the remix portion to the beginning and end, gambling that enough people would be daft enough to buy the record without having heard it all the way through, and it worked. Of course, the CD also included the Baker remix, so in a way it was smiles all round. You got the speeded up version that was good, Baker got paid, the record company made money, Levi’s sold jeans, and Jaz Mann got to make the rest of his album.

Anyway, onto the lyrics, because as we’ve established if you speed the music up, it’s not that bad. The song seems to focus on the fact that Jaz is dead keen for the titular spaceman to go into space, man. This is not only an appalling play on words, and a lazy rhyme, but also a decidedly pointless request. The person in question is a spaceman, hence his job is to go into space. He will almost certainly, if he hasn’t already, be going into space at some point. Imagine saying to the binman, “Binman, I always wanted you to empty the bin, man.” Or, “Postman, I always wanted you to deliver the post, man.” They’re already doing it, and you’re an idiot.

The other possibility could be that the person is called Spaceman, like Jason Spaceman from Spacemen 3, but then Jaz would just be being a twat, like asking ex Tory MP Bill Cash if he likes having lots of money, which he obviously does.

Listen instead: This is a tough one, mainly because most people probably don’t realise that Babylon Zoo had any other songs, but they did, and out of them, I suppose ‘Animal Army’ is OK.